Listen, I’ve been covering the Eels for fifteen years. I was there for the 2009 grand-final hangover, the 2017 semi-final miracle, the 2022 heartbreak, and every single false dawn in between. I thought I’d seen everything.
Then tonight happened.
At exactly 11:59 pm, Parra_Leaks (yes, the same account that leaked the exact Dylan Brown money three days early and posted the new stadium signage before the club did) dropped a 12-slide Instagram story that has legitimately broken the Parramatta internet.
The opening slide was in massive blue-and-gold text:
“MITCHELL MOSES 10-YEAR $14 MILLION LIFETIME CONTRACT ON HIS KITCHEN TABLE RIGHT NOW. 95 % DONE.”
The next eleven slides were pure, uncut chaos. And I’m here to break it all down before I spontaneously combust.
The Money – Absolutely Obscene
- 10 seasons (2026–2035)
- $1.4 million per season base
- Additional $200k in pre-locked third-party agreements every single year (already signed, allegedly)
- Full no-trade, no-release clause – the only way he leaves is if he retires in blue and gold
- $2 million “300-game legacy bonus”
- $1 million “club icon payment” on the day he retires
- Private health cover for him, his wife and future kids – for life
- Two fully-funded first-class family holidays anywhere in the world every off-season until he turns 50
The Clause That Changes Rugby League Forever
Slide 7 is the one that made my jaw hit the floor.
Page 46 of the alleged 78-page contract contains “Article 17 – Leadership Continuity Pathway.”
In normal language: If Brad Arthur is no longer head coach from 2028 onward, Mitchell Moses has the automatic right to step straight into the player-coach role. From 2033 he assumes total football-department control – salary cap, recruiting, assistant coaches, pathways – while still wearing the No.7 for as long as his legs let him.
The club has also reportedly budgeted to rename the high-performance centre the “Mitchell Moses Centre of Excellence” in 2030, premiership or not.
We’re not building a team around Moses. We’re building a dynasty with Moses as emperor.
The Perks Package – Peak Parramatta Energy
Only the Eels could make a contract this ridiculous:
- Personal parking spot right outside the players’ tunnel with a gold “MM7 ♔” plate
- Lifetime Red Rooster for Mitch + up to eight guests every home game (delivered straight to his private suite)
- His younger brother handed a full-time role at the club – whatever he wants (word is he’s eyeing Head of Recruitment)
- Life-size bronze statue already commissioned (deposit paid) to stand alongside Sterlo and Ray Price
- No.7 jersey retired the day he pulls the boots off – forever
- Annual “Mitchell Moses Day” community festival fully funded by the club in perpetuity
- Club to gift him a blue-and-gold wrapped boat named “King of Parra” (yes, really)
The WhatsApp Messages That Had Me In Tears
Parra_Leaks posted three alleged screenshots (faces/numbers blurred):
- Senior player, 10:12 pm: “If this is legit I’m ringing my manager at 6 am for a 10-year deal. Mitch is about to become the Godfather.”
- Mitch himself, 11:03 pm: “Looooool boys calm ya farm. Nothing signed yet. But I’m Parra till I die, you know the vibes 💙💛”
- Reagan Campbell-Gillard, 11:27 pm: “Just saw the Red Rooster clause. I’m requesting the exact same thing tomorrow.”
The Roosters’ Desperate Counter-Punch
While we’re all losing our minds, sources in Bondi say Uncle Nick has gone nuclear. Alleged Roosters offer:
- $1.6 million a season from 2027
- Permanent marina berth at Rose Bay for his boat
- Verbal agreement that Mitch can return to Parramatta as head coach in 2030 after winning two premierships in the tri-colours
Ice cold.
The Sarantinos Smirk That Broke Twitter
CEO Jim Sarantinos got mobbed leaving a charity golf day tonight. Fan: “Jim, is Mitch staying forever?” Sarantinos: slow turn, massive grin, zero words, just whistles “Glory Glory to Parramatta” while walking away
The clip is already at 500k views and climbing like a Moses bomb.
Eels Twitter Is A War Zone Of Joy And Chaos
- Church Street bars announcing “Moses Mule” specials at 2 am
- GoFundMe for a blue-and-gold Lamborghini already at $18k
- Fresh “Moses 2035” tattoos being posted in real time
- “Moses FC” trending above the official Parramatta account
- Half the fanbase crying happy tears, the other half planning the parade route down Church Street
The Tiny Voice Of Reason
It’s Parra_Leaks. They’ve been scarily accurate before, but they also once swore Jason Ryles had signed a 7-year deal. Until we see Mitchell front a press conference wearing a crown and holding a giant novelty pen, there’s a 1 % chance this is the greatest troll in rugby league history.
But honestly? I don’t care.
For one magical night, every single Eels supporter gets to believe that Mitchell Moses is about to become rugby league’s first emperor, that Red Rooster will rain from the heavens, and that one day our grandkids will pose for photos in front of his statue while we whisper, “He finally brought it home.”
If this is real, the salary-cap era just entered its Roman Empire stage – and Mitchell Moses is Caesar.
If it’s fake… well, at least we had the best 24 hours of our lives.
Either way, I’m not sleeping tonight.
Wake up early, Parra Army. Tomorrow either becomes the greatest day in Eels history…
Or we all pretend this never happened and go back to crying about 1986.
Up the bloody Eels. Forever.
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